nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
