Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I think I threw my underwear away at What-A-Burger last night.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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