your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
I'm like 87% sure some random guy starting biting my ear after grinding me for like 30 seconds... I feel suprisingly unconcerned
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
You tried to wave to Meg on Family Guy and got upset because she wasn't waving back
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
