Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
I've gotten 2 singers numbers, a 6'5 dude has promised to take me to Oktoberfest, and I spent the night w a pilot named Zeus who looks like caramel tastes. Also I sprained my thumb punching some guy I named 'hater'. I love Nashville
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Randomize
