i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Holy. Shit. I just remembered all the lapdances....
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
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