i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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