you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
