I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
You took your pants and underwear off as soon as we got to Melissa's and just walked around the entire time like it was completely normal. We even ate pizza together with your vagina exposed. You're my hero.
Randomize
