worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
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