My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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