i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
