so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
Logically he should not be walking around...after that fall he should be in a hospital in a medically induced coma
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
I currently don't understand fingers.
Randomize