what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
Randomize
