His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
