I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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