In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
can i get licensed in dentistry online like a priest
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
Randomize
