i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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