be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
yea ive hooked up with like half those guys
and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Randomize
