3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
does the girl puking in my garbage belong to you?
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
You ran up a $300 bar bill on his card and he didn't have you arrested, be grateful and move on.
My feet surprised me
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