I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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