i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
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