I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
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