It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
So, I just found out Ireland, is #1 in binge drinking. I know its Sunday but this one is for America.
Randomize
