you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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