Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
