I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Randomize
