Remember when we did the egg drop from the Dyson building? Her vag is like that, except with a ham, and the ham doesn't make it. I'll be back to the apartment in ten.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
