I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
I've blown a few things in my day
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize