I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
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