So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
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