someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
I ate cake in bed. Felt great
Randomize
