just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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