I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
