i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
Family acid trip. They're welcoming me into the family.
What. The. Fuck.
Family acid trip.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
