i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
He said I could stop sending ass pics now and just say hello. I'm not sure if that means he's no longer interested, or that he's a gentleman??
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
