My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Even my vagina gasped.
it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
The lady at the liquor store in my hometown just gave ran around the corner and gave me a hug when I came back from being gone for a couple months. My life is complete.
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