Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
