I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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