she just waddled down the stairs behind me and puked and kind of reached for me but i sped up. does that make me a bad person?
i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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