the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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