i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
