you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
Just saw the first guy i ever slept with in drag. I can hear my grandfather saying "i knew she was a lesbian" somewhere
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
