martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
Seriously, in what other class can the final major discussion be what bar you're going to with your prof?
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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