im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
And next time, don't pick a fight with me when you're naked. That's just not fair
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
