woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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