Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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