Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
