fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
Her eyes are really red like she jus got out of the hospital and shes coughing ...80 ppl at her school do have swine flu dude
So your saying just a blow job?
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Randomize
