i wish starbucks made bloody marys
If i could tip my vagina, i would.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
Randomize
