I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
And then I have a slight inkling that I went up to the bar and tried to order the bartender.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
He kept screaming "it's so seductive" while he was humping the wall
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I just googled if crying burns calories
Went to the strip club with my aunt. Do you know how hard it is to be a pervert in front of your female family members?
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
