I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
Randomize
