Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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