i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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