He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
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