Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
He's a psychology major, so instead of becoming a stripper, I'm just working out my daddy issues with him. And his cock. And spankings.
They're much more educational now btw. Don't judge.
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Randomize
