My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
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