My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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