he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
