Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
That would be a dream come true. Seriously, he's like my mount everest, my life's ambition is to climb him.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
