Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
