I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
well... just scaled a wall and entered the bar through the balcony. just making some last minute memories nbd.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Randomize
