I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
They have a shelf full of jello shots, what have i gotten myself into
Randomize
