Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
