I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
so I woke up this morning and on their fridge, the first item on the shopping list was my virginity.
I don't even know why I got my vag waxed
Ugh, tell me about it. As each day passes and the hair grows more, I get a little more depressed.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Lol what? Monday night impromptu acid drop was the alternative.
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Randomize
