She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Can you please stop having such an active social life? I'm tryna get fucked over here
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Randomize
