I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I need to align my fucking chakras
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Randomize
