It wasn't awkward until he started humming the Rocky theme song in the middle of fucking
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
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