anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I'm at work, still drunk. Can you turn on the radio? If the station goes off the air I passed out. Can't get fired. Haven't slept yet.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
Randomize
