I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
Randomize
