i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
they started a semi-successful rumor that toby keith died. who says fraternities don't have goals
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
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