when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
Would you rather have a 10 inch but pencil thin penis or a 2 inch very fat one?
Fat, it's not about touching the bottom it's about raising hell of the sides.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
