i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
Randomize
